Taboo
by Chanlyeya
Summary: Some feelings are best kept to oneself. Like Alfred's feelings for Matthew. Too bad Alfred's never been one to follow what's right.


Title: Taboo

Characters/Pairing: one-sided USCAN, mentioned USxothers, Canadaxothers

Summary: Some feelings are best kept to oneself. Like Alfred's feelings for Matthew. Too bad Alfred's never been one to follow what's right.

Warnings: Angst (I hope, cause that's what I was going for), incest, language

Disclaimer: Neither Hetalia, Game of Thrones or the Edmonton Oilers belong to me.

* * *

><p>In Alfred's humble opinion, Matthew's always has been a great conversation starter. In fact, he'll admit that about 65% of the conversations he's ever had with his brother were started by him, and around 90% of their deep conversations. However, as Matthew is unnaturally very shy, not many people at the school know this and the boy often goes unnoticed. Not that Alfred minds, that just means that others missed out on the thought provoking conversations Matthew was able to initiate.<p>

Unfortunately, even Matthew could be awkward with his wording sometimes and start conversation Alfred would rather not have. Like he was doing now:

"What's up with fantasy books and always incorporating incest?"

Had it been anyone else who blurted that out, Alfred wouldn't have answered, pretending the question had never been asked. However, it _was_ Matthew who had asked, so instead of ignoring him he turned off the television to give him his full attention. For once Matthew's eyes weren't focused on the book their father got them three days ago but on him.

Alfred sent him a grin. "What do you mean?"

Matthew sighed as though this were a common occurrence and his eyes returned to the pages before him once more. _"Ned touched her cheek. 'Has he done this before?' 'Once or twice…My brother is worth a hundred of your friend.' 'Your brother?' Ned said. 'Or your lover?' 'Both.' " _

He finished his reciting with a grimace in his brother's direction. "What?" Alfred laughed. "Why are you looking at me as though I have any control over that?"

" 'Cause you're the one who fucked both Ashleigh twins. At the same time."

"Dude, that was hot and you're just jealous I didn't ask you to join."

"Eww. Congratulations Al, you just gave me an even more disturbing image than before. Thanks!" Matthew rolled his eyes and bookmarked his page so he could safely put his book down. "But seriously…why would anyone write that? Do people think it's hot, because I think it's the most disturbing thing ever. That would be like me liking you. I mean, honestly, what would you do if I told you I'm madly in love with you and dreamed of fucking you against the wall every night?"

"Mattie, it's fantasy, don't take it seriously. It's never going to happen so don't have an aneurysm because of it."

Matthew laughed at that, and not just a half-laugh that was more like a giggle, but a throw-your-head-back-and-quickly-cover-your-mouth-because-you're-laughing-too-loud kind of laugh. "I guess you're right, I am taking this too seriously." He paused to check his watch before getting up quickly and walking over to the couch. "Move over." He forced himself beside Alfred. "Turn on the TV. The Oilers should be playing any minute!"

"Hockey? Seriously Mattie?"

"Shut up, I'm Canadian."

"No you're not. You're 100% American."

"Shut up. I will be when I'm older. Now turn on the TV or we'll miss the game!"

"Alright, alright, I'm turning it on, don't get your—Ow! I didn't even say anything!"

"You were about to, now shut up!"

"Fine, I'm shutting up. Sheesh."

Matthew didn't hear him; he was already too engrossed in the game they had yet to start, singing along with the national anthems. Figures he would know the words to the Canadian one…in both French and English.

Slouching further into the couch, Alfred snuck a few glances in Matthew's direction that went unnoticed. If Matthew were to turn at that moment, he would find Alfred sporting a strange look of longing and resignation. As it was, he didn't, so Alfred forced a smile and started cheering for the opposing team despite not knowing their name simply to annoy his brother. It worked and slowly Alfred was able to let go of the one thought that had been haunting him since Matthew asked him the question he never answered.

_If you were to ever tell me that, I would more than willingly take you up on that offer…_

* * *

><p>Alfred's not quite sure when he started feeling things towards his brother that he probably shouldn't. If anyone asked, he would probably say he's always felt this way because it sounded romantic and Alfred loved romance.<p>

He knows that that's not the case as he can remember quite clearly the time he was crushing majorly on Matthew's friend's sister from Belgium. And then there was that girl from Seychelles, and that girl from Ukraine (but that was when he just hit puberty and was horny and she had a nice rack). Despite that, Alfred wouldn't be lying if he said that his heart's been with Matthew for the longest time. In fact, if he were to ever think it through properly, he could pinpoint the time it started to somewhere around the ending of the eight grade and the beginning of ninth. Then he had been quite happy dating a Vietnamese girl when Matthew got asked out by Vash's sister. No one knew her name because Vash was rumoured to carry a gun around and shoot whoever approached her. Alfred still can't wrap his mind around how Matthew got away with it, even if he was friends with Vash, but that's beside the point.

So, he's happy with his girl and Matthew and Vash's sister are disgustingly sweet and adorable and anyone could easily get a toothache just watching them. They never kiss in public, but they hold hands and try to inconspicuously (and fail) lean against one another, play with each other's hair and share food. Yuck. It doesn't take long before Alfred gets aggravated just watching them.

BY that time, Alfred isn't exactly new to envy, so he can easily understand what he's feeling. What he doesn't understand is why he's jealous. Was it because he didn't act that way with his girlfriend? No, he knows that's not the case, so he decides it could only be the other logical explanation: he wants the sister whose name he can never remember.

Long story short, Matthew and that girl date for about a year before Alfred ruins their relationship by sleeping with her. Vash beats him up several times, the girl gets shit from the rest of the school, his ex-girlfriend hates him for the rest of her days and worst of all, Matthew's angry and won't talk to him. For a whole week.

That week is spent dreaming of Matthew getting over his small grudge, running into his arms, apologizing a million times (as is customary with the boy) and smothering his face with kisses. Yes, even Alfred would admit, it sounds really gay, but it's then he realizes the feelings he has for Matthew.

(They make up when Matthew calls "hey" to him during breakfast. A lot less dramatic than Alfred had hoped, but at least they're talking).

He guesses he should probably fell disgusted, Matthew _is _his brother, but all Alfred could feel was bliss: as though a weight he never realized he was carrying was finally lifted off his shoulders. So what if he'll be damned for viewing Matthew in that manner, he'll deal with the consequences when he's dead. For now, he just wants to enjoy their time together and dream of it meaning as much to Matthew as it does to him.

(It never does).

* * *

><p>"Matthew, is it true?"<p>

Matthew stands from where he was kneeling to collect his textbooks from his locker and stares at his brother. "Is what true?"

"I heard you were asked out by one of the hockey players…" Alfred trails off. Matthew knows why. All the hockey players are guys and Alfred's always assumed Matthew was straight.

"Kjetil." Matthew smiles at the name, despite being unimpressed by Alfred's blank look. Matthew knew all of _his _friends by name. "The Norwegian kid. Light brown hair, never smiling, always tells it like it is?" Alfred still doesn't look as though he recognizes him. Matthew rolls his eyes. "Anyway, I said 'yes', so you don't need to pick me up after the game."

"Don't go with him!"

"Why not?" Matthew narrows his eyes, a sign he's getting angry. Alfred wishes he could take back what he said, but he can't, so instead he follows it by saying:

"Mom and Dad."

Matthew snorts. "Uncle James is gay and Dad's totally fine with that. As for Mom, she's never cared about what I've done before, so why start now?"

"But—"

"No Alfred, conversation's over. I'm going to go out with him and I'll have a damn good time while I'm at it and there's nothing you can do to stop me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a physics class I'll rather not be late for."

Alfred watches him walk away more angry he should be. He can't stand the idea of Matthew with anyone else, but he doesn't want the break up to be obviously his fault.

He doesn't want Matthew to be angry with him again.

* * *

><p>Matthew breaks up with Kjetil in three months' time. He loves him, really, he just finds it too weird to be dating one of his closest friends. Kjetil says he understands, but Matthew thinks he may have hurt his feelings because he was a lot rougher with him at practice. Matthew's going to let him sort it out on his own though he does feel bad about it. He never likes hurting others, especially not those he's close to.<p>

Alfred's so happy he could kiss him.

* * *

><p>"Matthew, I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking; I couldn't stop myself!"<p>

"You shouldn't _have_ to stop yourself!"

"It was just a—"

"Shut up, stop talking! I'm not going to let you in: I don't want to see your face. You're disgusting!"

"Come on Mattie, you know you don't mean that…"

"I always mean what I say!"

"Alright, I get it, I can't help it if I'm disgusting. Just…come out please?"

"…"

"Mattie, I don't want you to hate me. I love you. I…I have for a very long time."

When he doesn't get a response, Alfred lets his head fall and rest against the door Matthew's looked himself behind.

"Look, I tried to get passed it, really. I saw other people, kissed other people, fucked other people but… I even ignored you for a while! It's not like I didn't try or anything. Please Mattie, it won't happen again, just please come out."

Matthew doesn't respond and Alfred waits for five minutes before losing his patience. Using one of the bobby pins Mom left lying around, Alfred starts to pick the lock. It takes a little while, but he eventually gets it to unlock.

By then the bathroom's empty and the window's wide open.

Their parents come home to find Matthew missing and Alfred crying in the bathroom.

* * *

><p>Three days later, the doorbell rings. Alfred doesn't even look up from the food he's playing with as his dad goes to open the door.<p>

"Oh…Abel, I didn't expect to see you here."

"I'm sorry for intruding Mr. Jones, but—"

"Nonsense, come on in boy." There was a pause and Alfred imagines his father stepping aside to give the Dutch boy a means to enter the home. He was probably ringing his hands as he spoke, a nervous habit Matthew picked up from him. "I presume this visit concerns Matthew?"

At the sound of Matthew's name, Alfred got up and joined his dad in the front hall. There stood Matthew's long time best friend dressed appropriately for the cold autumn breeze with a long thick coat and scarf. His hair isn't spiked, but otherwise he looks the same as always to Alfred's eyes.

"Yes. He's at my house, has been for the past few days. He claims he and Alfred had a big blow out, though he won't talk about it. He says he just needs some time away." He shot a look in Alfred's direction but Alfred's too upset to bother reading it. "I came to get a few of his things, if you don't mind him staying longer."

"If he feels that's what he need…" Mr. Jones paused to take a deep breath. Alfred recognized it as a tactic he used to keep himself under control. "If he's with your family I don't need to worry. Just make sure he doesn't fall behind on his homework and to come home when he's ready…"

"Will do Mr. J."

Abel quickly took off his shoes and made his way to Matthew's room. Alfred helped him pack some things and saw him out the door. Abel didn't seem to know anything, or if he did he was even more open-minded than Alfred thought. He nodded his appreciation as he left.

The minute he was out the door, his father gave him a hard look.

"You have a lot of explaining to do Alfred Freedom Jones!"

* * *

><p>"Andrew, I think you're going about this the wrong way. Let Alfred tell us his side of the story. It can't be entirely his fault!"<p>

"Who do you think you're kidding Cat? Their quarrels are _always_ Alfred's fault! And now Matthew's run away because of it! That's our son; don't you think I have a right to know why he's bolted?"

"I never said you don't, but you'll never get anywhere going about it the way you are. Clearly Al's just as upset about Matthew's absence as you are."

Alfred stopped listening to their conversation as it drifted away from Matthew. Instead, he wrapped himself tightly in Matthew's blankets, pulling his brother's beloved stuffed bear closer to him and let himself fall asleep inhaling his sweet brother's scent.

* * *

><p>"You and your brother have fought again?"<p>

Alfred looked up as his best friend Kiku took the seat opposite him. As usual, he smiled obliviously as though nothing bothered him.

"Why do you say that?"

Kiku frowned, probably trying to figure out how to word his thoughts in English. "I have heard rumour that the hockey team is out to get you. And we are all aware of how precious your brother is to the team."

"Well, I haven't done anything wrong, so I don't see why I should worry about anything!"

Kiku wasn't fooled and instead gave him a sympathetic smile. Damn him for being so good at reading others, because that look was tempting Alfred to cry and pour his heart out to the boy.

(He doesn't, because he's afraid he might lose another person he cares about).

* * *

><p>Alfred's completely pissed and isn't quite sure of what's going on. He's with someone, that he knows (he can feel their skin against his own, hear their moans, see them writhe) but who it is, he doesn't know. He's not even sure where he is or how he got there, but he doesn't care enough to think about that. In fact, he doesn't even care to think about the person he's currently fucking, his mind always drifting back to Matthew.<p>

It's been a month since he's left now. All Alfred wants is to see him again.

"I love you," he moans to Matthew's image.

The person underneath him pauses, hesitates, but Alfred doesn't want the illusion to break, doesn't want to come back to reality where he's fucking a stranger instead of Matthew. So he thrusts into her once more, all the while imagining the long brown hair to be short and blonde, the green eyes to be violet and mesmerizing, the olive skin to be as white as snow.

"I love you," he repeats. "I love you, I love you, I love you…"

_Matthew_ never replies, but Alfred doesn't care. A silent Matthew beats a disgusted Matthew any day, even if he would give up everything to hear him repeat the words.

(He never does).

* * *

><p>AN: Yeah… I don't even know what this is. Hope you enjoyed it.<p>

Kjetil: Norway

Abel: Netherlands

Anybody guess who America was with in the end?


End file.
